So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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