Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
