Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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