Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize