You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
