He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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