I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
