oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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