i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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