I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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