You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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