I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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