my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
