i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
