she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
pop tarts are not kleenex
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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