dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
