i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
