Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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