did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
