Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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