She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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