can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
