After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
