lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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