I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
