My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
