Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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