Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
