Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
