You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
