Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
