I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
