I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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