The maid of honor just puked.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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