I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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