I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
