So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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