I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
