I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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