party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
