Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
