He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
