they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
