i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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