i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
