mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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