So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
