I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
