I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
