Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
