Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
