i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
