so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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