Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
