i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
